A Grown Folk Problem

After church Sunday afternoon, my Grandmother’s pastor stopped and asked how often I was in town.  I shrugged and said it depends; why?  He then went on to tell me about the youth violence problem in Enterprise, Alabama and wanting to do something about it.  We stood talking for awhile exchanging stories about the youth in our respective communities and agreed on one common theme ~ the lack of true understanding of consequences and actions.  The more we talked though, the more something that has been wearing on me lately seemed to get heavier and heavier.  The truth of the matter is that we really don’t have a “youth problem.”  We have a “grown folk problem.”   

My psychology professor from Spelman College told us that he would not treat children without treating the parents.  Why?  Because parents had a strong impact on the outcome of treatment of children and the only way to truly fix the problem was to fix it totally.  This statement over 15 years ago and the continued behavior of your children has really got me thinking.  Just maybe the only way to fix the problem of our youth is to start with the grown folks.

First, parenting and friendship with children do not go hand in hand.  As parents it is not your responsibility to be your child’s friend.  It is your responsibility to RAISE (that is a verb that requires action on your part) your children. That means setting and adhering to boundaries.  Making sure your children at are school.  Making sure they are doing their homework timely.  Making sure that sports are not taking the place of doing their homework.  Monitoring their social media sites should somewhere on the list of things to do daily.  Following up and dropping in on where they say they are going to be to make sure they are their.  My daddy called it “keeping you honest.”  Parenting requires limits, including curfew. 

Proverbs 22:6 says “train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”  Another verb ~ TRAIN.  Both train and raise, require parents to do something.  As parents you don’t get to do nothing and let the world, the television, the street, and whomever else do your responsibility.  Well I guess you could, but you get what we are getting.  As parents you made a decision, or at least you should have made a decision at some point along the way, to bring a child into the world.  Once you made that decision you then have to follow through with the action that goes along with it; the training and raising of your child. 

Training and raising your children means you’re your needs and wants have to take a back seat to the needs and wants of your children.  It means that you may not be able to get your hair and nails done every week or even every other week.  It means that you may not be able to get the Jordan’s on the Thursday they come out.  Training and raising your children means that you cannot spend every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday night in the club.  Quite frankly the club going should be a minimum.  It means that your evenings may be spent not only assisting your child in doing homework, but spending hours trying to figure out how to do homework.  It means that you are responsible for ensuring that your child attends school each and every day.  That even means that there are times that you will have to check in and drop in to make sure they are there.  Training and raising means that your number one priority and responsibility should be the betterment of your children.

Parents aren’t the only grown folks responsible though.  Anyone ever heard of “it takes a village to raise a child.”  When our communities were villages the children were doing much better.  Now, grown folks see children doing things they shouldn’t and what do they do?  Do they correct the child?  Nope.  They criticize and talk about the child/children to everyone who will listen except for the people that matter.  I hear it all the time.  “Those aren’t my kids,” or “you better not say anything to somebody’s elses children; they will get you.”  Whatever happened to doing the right thing because it was the right thing?  The truth of the matter is, when you don’t correct children that you see misbehaving they become risk to us all. 

Given the fact that it is theoretically and adult that is raising or not raising the youth of today, it appears to be a no brainer that in order to have an impact on the youth it is necessary to have an impact on the grown folks ~ ALL of the grown folks.  So just maybe, we need to go directly to the root of the problem ~grown folks.  Seems kind of elementary doesn’t it?  

Mom should be ashamed for supporting teen daughter in year book pix drama!

So, I caught the tail end of a segment on the Today Show this morning where an 18 year old, Sydney Spies, was appearing with her mom and fussing about a picture not being included in her high school year book.  I did not see the pix, but it sounded quite trivial for a morning news show.  So when I got to work I pulled up the website to see if I could see what made this newsworthy.

This is what I found:



And this:



Now what parent would let their 18 year old take this picture or better still publish it in the year book.  Is this what you want your daughter to remembered by?  What message are you sending???  What parent allows their daughter to dress like that in high school?  College going to a party maybe, but high school?  Is this a sign of where society has gone?

Let me back up and address the article piece by piece.  Sydney claims to be an aspiring model.  Of what?  Someone needs to tell Sydney that most models are in the height of their career by the age of 18.  But more importantly, why is that young girls believe wanting to be a model is synonomous with "provacative pictures?"  Is this the message that we are sending our little girls?  That in order to be models or considered pretty that they have to be scantilly clad?  In the first picture she doesn't even have a shirt on, she has a shawl tied in the front. 

Sydney told the Today Show that she "honestly think (the pictures) describes who I am."  Who is that Sydney?  I wonder if her mom asked that question?  Mom says the picture is "artistic" and "stunning."  Really? 

Sydney even said that "It's illegal for the administration to get involved, so that's why we're even considering (legal action),"  Mom you should have made Sydney do more homework and less picture taking because it is clear that she has no clue as to what is illegal an quite frankly mom has no clue about what is inappropriate. 

It is truly saddening to see these type of potrayals of young women.  What are we teaching our children? 

Midnight & the Meaning of Love ~ Can one man really love multiple wives completely?

First let me say this, I have no intentions of being wife number one of any number.  Good bad or indifferent I was not raised to share a man, however, after reading Sister Soulja's latest book, I have a different perspective.

Midnight & the Meaning of Love is the sequel to Sister Soulja's book Midnight.  It is a beautiful story of love and what one young man will do to preserve that love.  As good books should, Sister Soulja caused me through her story to examine some of my thoughts and ideas, especially the idea of multiple wives.  Other than the small group of Americans who practice polygamy, multiple wives is not common in America and I would suppose more likely than frowned upon.  I know I have always thought a woman who would be married to a man who had multiple wives was weak and evidently had personal issues.  However, after reading this book, which is clearly fiction but laced in well researched cultural history, my perspective has changed; at least ideologically.

Is it possible to love more than one person at one time?  I think if we are honest, especially those of us who have had multiple relationships can probably agree that you can.  Although each person is loved differently they are loved just the same.

Most women would say that all men cheat.  A number of women claim to not know when their significant other is cheating or some women just accept it.  So instinctively are we as woman agreeing to share our man?  The only difference is the not "alleged" not knowing.  If a woman really doesn't know that means that he must be loving them both well, I would assume.  Is it the knowing that we as Americans can't accept?  Would we rather live a lie than live the truth?

In the book, Midnight is a Sudanese young man who falls in love with a second woman while attempting to get his Japanese wife (who turns out to really be Korean) back who was kidnapped by her father.  Akemi, the first wife, although hurt by her husbands love for the second wife accepted her because of her love for her husband.  Akemi had a strong faith that her husband would never leave her, but knew that he would always love Chiasa, the second wife.  Now, what does that sound like?  An American love triangle if I ever heard of one.  The exchange between the two women was real and a sense of love and frustration was clear.  Once back in America, Midnight's mom told him that Chiasa was also really a number one and only accepting the position of number two.  She commented that Akemi was a strong woman to accept to this other number one into her life.  She then told her son that he would not be able to keep them happy in the same house because of their strong spirits and that he would have too have another house or apartment for Chiasa.  So, now we have two women and two households and forgot to tell you on is definitely pregnant and the other more likely than not pregnant.  I am sure many a woman can confess to the secret family her husband had that was never acknowledged out loud, but everyone and everybody new it.

The characters, Akemi and Chiasa, were not week women.  They were strong and beautiful in their own right, but out of love for their husband and a respect for the Muslim culture they were willing to share one man.  They were willing to cover themselves and follow the traditions and teachings of the Quaran.  Midnight was sure that as a "good Muslim man" he could do right by both woman.  In fact he believed that a "good Muslim man" would only take multiple wives if he could do right by them all both emotionally and financially.  Is that possible.....for real?  Could be if there are good Muslim men and the many women that we American woman criticize so often are really happy.

I leave you with several questions.  Given the state of most relationships now and the amount of cheating that goes on are we kidding ourselves about the instinctive nature of men?  Is being with multiple women instinctive?  Is our view of relationships realistic if this instinctive nature is real?  Is our view of relationships based on lies?  Aren't a number of woman sharing men anyway?  What's the difference in being one of multiple wives and one of multiple women?  Can a man really love more than one woman completely?

Hoodrats....Oh So Cool in 2011

I have resisted the urge over the last couple of seasons to blog about the infamous Basketball Wives, most of whom are not wives.  However, after watching the reunion show I just cannot resist.

When I was growing up my grandmother constantly reminded us to be "ladylike."  In fact every now and then she will say "Tiffany, ladies don't talk like that."  I just smile and say "yes ma'am," because after all she is right.  Betty Wright told us we had to be a "lady in the street."  So what happened?  Did the ladies stop teaching their daughters to be ladies?  Why has it become the in thing to be loud and act like hoodrats?

I actually really like Tami.  She always seemed to be "real" and into making her own decisions irrespective of what it meant to be "in the circle."  However, for some reason she has let Meca Claxton bring out the worst in her.  She is now constantly screaming profanities and repeatedly threatening to beat her a$$ and actually following through with it.  I am extremely disappointed in her.  She is a mother and a mentor to young ladies.  Is that the image she wants to portray?  Don't get me wrong, I have hoodrat tendencies and when pushed I can be just as back alley ghetto as Evelyn.  However, ladies real ladies know when to hold em and when to fold em.  It is not necessary for every disagreement to result in throwing around the "b" word or physical altercations.  As mothers and as women we should be so much more than that.  We should not want the world to define us as that.  And most importantly we should not be proud of that.

Is America Still Beautiful?

On Sunday morning I woke up in the early morning hours hearing the words to the song America the Beautiful coupled with the television going on and on and on about Casey Anthony's release.  I grunted and went back to sleep.  When I woke again, the words to America the Beautiful was still running in my head and they were still talking about Casey Anthony.  But for some reason my mind immediately went to the Children's Defense Fund's State of America's Children Report and I couldn't help but wonder is America still beautiful?

I am sure that the Indians, in times before Christopher Columbus, thought America was beautiful and appreciated her in all her glory.   Would they still believe in her beauty after being transplated across the bad lands?  Do the many children who after being found to be abused or neglected and recieve no services believe in her beauty?  Do the other children represented in the Report believe in her beauty?  Do I even really believe in America's beauty when I look around me?

The CDF's Report reveals the following (in no specific order):

• Every 11 seconds of the school day a child drops out
• A majority of children in all racial and income groups and almost 80% of Black and Hispanic children in public schools cannot read or do math at grade level in fourth, eighth, or 12th grades
• America is 1st in number of billionaires and last in relative child poverty
• America is 1st in number of persons incarcerated and last in protecting our children against gun violence
• America is 1st in military weapons exports and defense expenditures, but 31st in math scores and in the gap between the rich and the poor
• Black women are more likely to die due to pregnancy complications than women in 54 other nations, including Iran and Albania
• Every second a public school student is suspended
• Every 8 seconds a high school student drops out (every 4 seconds for a black child)
• Every 21 seconds a child is arrested
• Every 34 seconds a child is born into poverty
• Every 42 seconds a child is born without health insurance and is confirmed abused or neglected
• A total of 15.5 million children or one in every 5 lived in poverty in 2009

How can a country that boast itself as the greatest place, treat and/or allow its chidren to be in such dire conditions?  Congress is fighting over whether to pay its bills and there are children starving.  Republicans are doing everything they can to ensure that the health care is rolled back, while millions of children are in need of health care.  I guess when tax payers pay for your kids to be insured its kinda hard to care about someone elses kids. 

It is time we take a long hard look at America........without the rose colored glasses.  If we continue to treat our children in the way we do, America will never be as beautiful as I am sure it was to the Indians before Columbus came.

The Anti Baby Mama Book

While visiting the Shrine of the Black Madonna in Atlanta, I was standing at the counter paying for some books and noticed a book behind the cash register titled "The Anti Baby Mama Book."  I initially laughed, asked to see a copy, and told my LS that I had to get the book because I could only imagine what it could be about and contain between the cover.  

I must say I was pleasantly surprised.  The author does a very good job of explaining several things.  One that anyone can be a "baby mama."  It is not about economics.  She also speaks on why you shouldn't want to be a baby mama.  I actually read the book from cover to cover in a couple of hours.  I simply could not put it down.  I know plenty of women who jokingly refer to themselves as the "baby mama."  But I also know plenty of women/girls who seriously are "baby mamas."

After reading the book I begin to reflect on what it really means to be a "baby mama" and if that is what we as women should be allowing anyone to refer to us as.  Is it a term of endearment or love?  Absolutely not! In fact quite frankly it minimizes the role of being a mother.  Unfortunately, there are many women who actually probably deserve the title, however, there are many more who for whatever reason have allowed themselves to be referred to this, but definitely should not allow it.

Truthfully speaking there is nothing positive gained when you hear the term "baby mama."  It is usually preceded with "she's just my..." or followed by "drama."  I would dare say that she is probably (if she is truly a reflection of the term) someone who got pregnant on purpose thinking (wrongly) that a baby would make him love her, stay around, or somehow bind them together forever.  When in reality none of the above has transpired.  

I also thought about when the phrase came about because when I was growing up that was not a catch phrase in referring to a parent of either sex.  The only thing I can think of was the song by B Rock and the Biz "That's Just My Baby Daddy."  Anyone else know of another origin?

I have asked the question many times and I will ask it again.  Does it matter what you are called?  Some would say it only matters what you answer too, however, I would suggest that if you are called something long enough you will eventually answer.  

I strongly suggest that you pick this book up and really give what the author says some thought and have the conversation.  The only way we grow is if we begin to honestly address some of what is going on in our communities.  I would definitely say this minimization of parenting and parents is definitely a problem that needs addressing and who knows, maybe it starts with what we define ourselves as.

Make Peace with Your Beast

Periodically when I go through magazines I find stuff that really catches my eye, inspires me or just plain out makes me think.  While reading the May 2011 issue of O, I ran across a piece on Cristina Carlino. One of the things she said really struck a chord with me and I wanted to share.

You need to make peace with your "beast."

I believe that all women have a beauty and a beast within.  The beast is that inner voice that makes you question your worth, and it gets louder with age.  Those negative emotions can crush your beauty.  The solution?  Not to fight the beast but to make peace with it.  Your reward will be loving the whole woman you have become instead of the divided woman you are.


Think about your beast and really work to make peace with her.  I know my inner beast very well and I have always battled against her.  I am not clear at this moment how to reconcile with her, but I am going to definitely work on it cause it can only free up energy to reach my complete potential.